Projects

Adonys,

I have had a very difficult couple of days. Well first happy valentines day, I got you something, it is sitting up on your shelf with teddy, tiger and panda. I was ok on valentines day, at least that is the way people are seeing me. The truth is Adonys underneath all my smiles and giggles, I am slowly falling apart at the seams. I have to be careful where I go and I walk with my head down most of the time for fear that I will come across something or someone that will remind me of you and I will be emotionlly crushed, right now I am emotionally flacid, which is how I am able to make it appear as though I am ok, but I know I am not. I have all these projects I do, some dedicated in your name (things I made for you), some for my own personal ammusment to help "cope" with you being really gone. Projects, projects, projects beautiful or nice as they may be do not seem to be doing too much, emotionally crushed does not begin to explain or define my feelings. Before you went I knew exactly what I was doing, didnt know how I was gonna get there but I knew what I wanted and now I am so stripped, drained, lost in the wind that it is frightening. I relive you being snatched away from me right in fornt of my very eyes everyday, every single day and I cant get past it. My brain and body are just so tired, they play tricks on me from the time I wake until I lay down at night, I think I hear you in the hallway all the time, running up and down, I hear you playing with the door knob too, around 1:00 everyday I tell myself to go get you up from your nap and then my feelings are hurt because you are not there, when ever the basement door is open I rush over to close it for fear that you will be your fearless self and try to go down them, but again your not there. I feel so trapped but what can I do my feelings and emotions are my own and I cant move them along, I would like too just push them completely away, but this is not like getting over a ex-boyfriend, the pain is way greater than that, it is even greater than the pain of bringing you in this world, that was like a very small and thin nonexistent  peice of cake compared to this. I do not wanna be like this forever but I fear that I will never come out, because whenever I feel better something comes along in that next day or second or hour or minute brings a feeling of deppression and sadness that is 100 times worse than the previous feeling and even though I will get past that feeling too, a little peice of it will be left to collect with the rest of the sadness left over until it completely consumes me.  Adonys I never thought that I could love somebody this much and survive it, some people say I am doning an excellent job, I say that I am damaged goods, crippled and unable to develop any further past this line of black space. Help me Adonys you always knew how to make mommee better, what do I do?

Love Mommee