My beautiful Adonys,
Hi mommees boy, I miss you like crazy! This week was not such a bad week, I ain't saying it was a wonderful one but it was better than last week. I just felt OK this week is all it is, Auntie Ree and Ashley took me and your daddy out this Saturday, I did have a blast. It was so much fun not to have to constantly try and think for a change, everyone was there (Terri, Bell, Shell, Missy) and I appreciated them attempting to make me feel better. As to be expected though all good things come to an end and when I wake up every morning with you on my mind and tears in my eyes, I miss you soooo much and I get mad because just seeing your picture or watching a video is not good enough for me, I get sooo pissed off when I wake up because I have not dreamt about you and I want to every night because at least if I dream about you, at least if I see you there it will be the closest I get to touching you, seeing you, hearing you and holding you again. I have to tell you something, the night that you left me I shooed you away before I left out the house and I am so so so so sorry and I wish I could take it back, I wish I had just taken you with me but I just needed a break, I just needed some me time because you were just soo fast and busy and I used to be sooo worn out from chasing you and pulling you down from where ever you climbed up on, you were so curious, beyond curious for real, it was like you knew somethings that the rest of us did not know. I was always so amazed at how fearless you were, at how much love you exuded for even people you did not know. Do you remember that day we went to court and that lady was just crying and crying and you walked over to her and gave this great, big , huge hug and she stopped crying because you made her feel soo good, you were something special. Even though GOD had a plan for you, I had one to, I had dreams for you and Nyjha that would have completely exceeded any dreams that your dad or I ever had. I often imagine the things that you would have or could have been and I weep because I will never get to see you do any of these things, I will never get to see you the true potential of your intelligence, we only got to see a small piece. These reasons are all the reasons that I ask God to please return you to us so that you can save us and maybe the entire world because I think you were and would have been an influential spark here later in life just as your were soo early in life. Whoever reads this may think that I am delusional, crazy or whatever but I don't care, I don't care, that is my prayer and wish to God, if I never have nothing else or never do anything else I pray that God hears me and brings my prayer to fruition. Your sister with some work and help from me and dad will be fine, I pray for God to give your sister the strength to focus because she hurts too. You know mommee loves your forever and a day.
Love Mommee
P.S., Adonys even if God never sees fit to send you back to me, I pray that he will see fit to send me a boy that is just like you in every way possible and is embodied with your very same spirit, intelligence, beauty and curiosity, someone just like you and more! I hope he looks like you and has your attitude, love and caring. Someone that will take care of me now and show me how to be a better parent just like you were and take care of me later in older age just like I know that you would have. Someone to make me laugh, stay on my toes, wear me out and make me love and love me more than I thought was possible just like you!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Projects
Adonys,
I have had a very difficult couple of days. Well first happy valentines day, I got you something, it is sitting up on your shelf with teddy, tiger and panda. I was ok on valentines day, at least that is the way people are seeing me. The truth is Adonys underneath all my smiles and giggles, I am slowly falling apart at the seams. I have to be careful where I go and I walk with my head down most of the time for fear that I will come across something or someone that will remind me of you and I will be emotionlly crushed, right now I am emotionally flacid, which is how I am able to make it appear as though I am ok, but I know I am not. I have all these projects I do, some dedicated in your name (things I made for you), some for my own personal ammusment to help "cope" with you being really gone. Projects, projects, projects beautiful or nice as they may be do not seem to be doing too much, emotionally crushed does not begin to explain or define my feelings. Before you went I knew exactly what I was doing, didnt know how I was gonna get there but I knew what I wanted and now I am so stripped, drained, lost in the wind that it is frightening. I relive you being snatched away from me right in fornt of my very eyes everyday, every single day and I cant get past it. My brain and body are just so tired, they play tricks on me from the time I wake until I lay down at night, I think I hear you in the hallway all the time, running up and down, I hear you playing with the door knob too, around 1:00 everyday I tell myself to go get you up from your nap and then my feelings are hurt because you are not there, when ever the basement door is open I rush over to close it for fear that you will be your fearless self and try to go down them, but again your not there. I feel so trapped but what can I do my feelings and emotions are my own and I cant move them along, I would like too just push them completely away, but this is not like getting over a ex-boyfriend, the pain is way greater than that, it is even greater than the pain of bringing you in this world, that was like a very small and thin nonexistent peice of cake compared to this. I do not wanna be like this forever but I fear that I will never come out, because whenever I feel better something comes along in that next day or second or hour or minute brings a feeling of deppression and sadness that is 100 times worse than the previous feeling and even though I will get past that feeling too, a little peice of it will be left to collect with the rest of the sadness left over until it completely consumes me. Adonys I never thought that I could love somebody this much and survive it, some people say I am doning an excellent job, I say that I am damaged goods, crippled and unable to develop any further past this line of black space. Help me Adonys you always knew how to make mommee better, what do I do?
Love Mommee
I have had a very difficult couple of days. Well first happy valentines day, I got you something, it is sitting up on your shelf with teddy, tiger and panda. I was ok on valentines day, at least that is the way people are seeing me. The truth is Adonys underneath all my smiles and giggles, I am slowly falling apart at the seams. I have to be careful where I go and I walk with my head down most of the time for fear that I will come across something or someone that will remind me of you and I will be emotionlly crushed, right now I am emotionally flacid, which is how I am able to make it appear as though I am ok, but I know I am not. I have all these projects I do, some dedicated in your name (things I made for you), some for my own personal ammusment to help "cope" with you being really gone. Projects, projects, projects beautiful or nice as they may be do not seem to be doing too much, emotionally crushed does not begin to explain or define my feelings. Before you went I knew exactly what I was doing, didnt know how I was gonna get there but I knew what I wanted and now I am so stripped, drained, lost in the wind that it is frightening. I relive you being snatched away from me right in fornt of my very eyes everyday, every single day and I cant get past it. My brain and body are just so tired, they play tricks on me from the time I wake until I lay down at night, I think I hear you in the hallway all the time, running up and down, I hear you playing with the door knob too, around 1:00 everyday I tell myself to go get you up from your nap and then my feelings are hurt because you are not there, when ever the basement door is open I rush over to close it for fear that you will be your fearless self and try to go down them, but again your not there. I feel so trapped but what can I do my feelings and emotions are my own and I cant move them along, I would like too just push them completely away, but this is not like getting over a ex-boyfriend, the pain is way greater than that, it is even greater than the pain of bringing you in this world, that was like a very small and thin nonexistent peice of cake compared to this. I do not wanna be like this forever but I fear that I will never come out, because whenever I feel better something comes along in that next day or second or hour or minute brings a feeling of deppression and sadness that is 100 times worse than the previous feeling and even though I will get past that feeling too, a little peice of it will be left to collect with the rest of the sadness left over until it completely consumes me. Adonys I never thought that I could love somebody this much and survive it, some people say I am doning an excellent job, I say that I am damaged goods, crippled and unable to develop any further past this line of black space. Help me Adonys you always knew how to make mommee better, what do I do?
Love Mommee
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Sweetness of a Would be Bitter Weekend
Dear Adonys,
I miss you! It was mommee's birthday this past weekend! I had a conversation with an old aquaintance and I was telling her that I had not had a moment of bittersweetness as of yet, I did not expect for that moment to come so soon. I thought that I would be just too depressed over you to even enjoy any stage of life let alone my 30th birthday. I especially thought that this day would be one of my worst becuase it was a month to the day that you left us but I had a lot of fun, I went to a large dinner, a party, and got to spend some much needed alone time with your dad. Im am crying the tears right now that I could not cry that day because for some reason as much as I wanted to cry and scream for you something comforted me the whole weekend through! I really wish that you could have been there, only you, your dad and God really know how I feel. The weekend and your dad did me good but once it was over, it was back to life, back to reality! I find myself in recent days thinking of you intensely but not always wanting to cry, not saying that I dont cry because I do. You were just so full of personality, character, and wonder and that is what I miss. You were my little expeditionist, always exploring things and being scoulded because I could never be mad at you, you were just too much fun, you made me laugh at least 17 hours out of a 24 hour day! I go back to school on the 28th of March and I know that during this period from here until then, it will give me the time I need to do what I have to. People will probably wonder why am I speaking too as if you could understand me, as if you were an adult, but what they do not know is that you were wise and intelligent beyond your years and this is just a average conversation between the two of us just different content. It didnt matter what I talked about, you understood every word, and you were my best friend and partner in crime & randomness! That is a relationship only you and I could possess, it still is, I talk to you everyday but I only feel compelled to speak to you like this when your spirit really hits me and I think that maybe there is somebody out there, besides your dad, that maybe feels the same about the person they loved & lost and maybe wants to say something that will help me, help them, help me. I DO sooo miss you and your smile, please show mommee that you are smiling at her, when the sun hits the highest point in the sky and just warms my body down to it's very soul I will know that you are smiling at me and loving me from a distance and that distance will only last a short amount of time before you come back too love me up close!
~ MOMMEE
I miss you! It was mommee's birthday this past weekend! I had a conversation with an old aquaintance and I was telling her that I had not had a moment of bittersweetness as of yet, I did not expect for that moment to come so soon. I thought that I would be just too depressed over you to even enjoy any stage of life let alone my 30th birthday. I especially thought that this day would be one of my worst becuase it was a month to the day that you left us but I had a lot of fun, I went to a large dinner, a party, and got to spend some much needed alone time with your dad. Im am crying the tears right now that I could not cry that day because for some reason as much as I wanted to cry and scream for you something comforted me the whole weekend through! I really wish that you could have been there, only you, your dad and God really know how I feel. The weekend and your dad did me good but once it was over, it was back to life, back to reality! I find myself in recent days thinking of you intensely but not always wanting to cry, not saying that I dont cry because I do. You were just so full of personality, character, and wonder and that is what I miss. You were my little expeditionist, always exploring things and being scoulded because I could never be mad at you, you were just too much fun, you made me laugh at least 17 hours out of a 24 hour day! I go back to school on the 28th of March and I know that during this period from here until then, it will give me the time I need to do what I have to. People will probably wonder why am I speaking too as if you could understand me, as if you were an adult, but what they do not know is that you were wise and intelligent beyond your years and this is just a average conversation between the two of us just different content. It didnt matter what I talked about, you understood every word, and you were my best friend and partner in crime & randomness! That is a relationship only you and I could possess, it still is, I talk to you everyday but I only feel compelled to speak to you like this when your spirit really hits me and I think that maybe there is somebody out there, besides your dad, that maybe feels the same about the person they loved & lost and maybe wants to say something that will help me, help them, help me. I DO sooo miss you and your smile, please show mommee that you are smiling at her, when the sun hits the highest point in the sky and just warms my body down to it's very soul I will know that you are smiling at me and loving me from a distance and that distance will only last a short amount of time before you come back too love me up close!
~ MOMMEE
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